he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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