Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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