Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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