When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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