Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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