I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
