LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
