; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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