So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
