why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
try to milk me bitch
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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