remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do herpes really smell.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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