...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
