Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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