hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
