I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
