I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
