What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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