those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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