a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
