I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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