Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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