i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
