i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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