If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
