This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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