Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
