I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
