I never want to see another naked old woman again.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
