A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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