Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
