I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize