also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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