Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
