Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
