Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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