Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
