There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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