god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
