I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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