I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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