I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
