I want you more than these girls want KFC
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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