dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
