ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
