Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
