there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
