please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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