Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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