She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
