I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
