you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
