I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
