i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
