i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
