Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
