You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
