He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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